14 April 2009

Mooli's Futures

As we get closer to the (only) time when we may all get a free mooli in a mooli store, I thought I would (ab)use my privilege as a guest blogger and speculate as to some of the possible futures of our favourite food brand. 

1. While Mooli's enjoys success in the UK, the real growth happens in places hitherto relatively untouched by Indian food, namely Italy and Japan. Indeed in Italy, Silvio Berlusconi tries to buy a 10% stake in Mooli's claiming that both its founders are "nice tanned men with a lot of genius for this interesting food which shows that people who eat with their hands can be quite sophisticated too".

2. Mooli's  becomes the favourite fast food of the White House family and there are even rumours that the Obamas may name their (by now) fifth dog, Mooli. But this idea is quickly quashed amid concerns that the name may lead people to think that the new pup is Muslim

3. In honour of the Goan Beef Mooli (TM), Goa is renamed Mooli

4. Mooli's successfully launches its lifestyle brand, Lifestlye of the Mooli, which focuses primarily on crockery. One of its most popular lines, especially in vegetarian households, is the Mini Mein- Mini Tum (TM) dish which is the size of a small ring box.  The M-M allows you to  store away that annoying last (one) spoonful worth of curry (with Daal it may take two spoonfuls) left at the end of a meal that no one can find the energy to eat. 

5. Mooli's single handedly triple goat sales in the UK. Indeed Meat Monthly proclaims goat is the new beef in its forecast for meat consumption in 2011. 

6. Inspired by their favourite programme, Monkey Magic, Sam and Matthew launch their cookery series, Mooli Magic, exclusively on the free to net BBC Eight.

7. For refusing to indulge in selling water, and instead giving it away free in (custom made) bottles, Mooli's wins the "Most Green Fast Food Joint on the High Street (and Some Side streets)" award by Green Love

8. Sam finds it hard to juggle the business as he is persuaded to enter politics and make the most of his Sikh background, Muslim name, Indian origin, German wife, love for everything Japanese (even if it is objectively shit to everyone else), ability to manage a gambling habit and, the little lie his spin doctor persuades him to tell, humble goat farmer origins. 

9. Indeed connected to (8) above, Sam publishes a book, Dreams from my Ayia, which is a huge success in Uttar Pradesh and the Philippines, where a whole new generation of women are inspired to become Ayias and rear a little Sameer

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6 comments:

mathew said...

(10) Tariq launches his global comedy tour titled "can you believe i was once just a guest Mooli's blogger?". Seriously i am hurting LingOL

Gautam said...

Tariq, you've missed your true calling.
Sam, wife? Did we miss an intervening step?

VxD said...

ROFL :))

As Sam has never tired of saying, TaB (a subtle shift from TAB?) is waiting to happen phenomenon in the standup comedy circles!

Maybe he should be invited to do a standup when Mooli gets launched ...with the video getting on the MooliTube

sameer said...

tariq, you're a c&%*. when will you do that stand up routine? how about mooli's launch as VxD suggests?

Anonymous said...

TAB, are you single? i'm 23/f/london.

TaB said...

Anon, buyer beware as I am 31/m (well in touch with my f side)/almost fat/balding/not based in londres.