06 January 2010

Concerning moustaches and other facial hair growth

As a young, precocious and, some would say, beautiful child on the South East Essex junior debating circuit, there was a question that always fascinated me. Why were all (or many of) the poverty stricken people that were on TV (documentaries etc) not sporting beards, given the food retaining abilities of facial growth in times of hunger? I returned to this question recently as I began to ponder the advantages and disadvantages of facial hair. For your correspondent, there are only advantages.

Snack nestling

I have mentioned this benefit already. Consider this everyday scenario. Your have just fought your way through the queues to find a cramped place on the tube. Partly through boredom, partly through the unintended effort of getting on the train, you are suddenly in need of a snack. Even if you have a quaker bar in your purse or man-bag, you are too cramped in the tube to reach for it. Perhaps you are a bit embarrassed to eat a whole bar in public. Perhaps the last Rolo (TM) in your pocket has become squashed and the caramel is now hard. The solution is a quick shuffle of the tongue away. In your lovely beard there nestles a bit of the muesli from this morning. Fantastic.

The relationship enhancer

Many women will tell you that a beard is off-putting. That is understandable given that no one (except my ex ex ex) really wants to kiss a bristly surface (although there is a solution to this: use conditioner on your beard). But there is an indirect benefit in entering a relationship with a beard. You see, a true sign of the evolution of any relationship is not just being nice and good to each other but also knowing you can be frank, ask for things and even argue. Of course if one can have a soft disagreement rather than a hard one, then the breakthrough to this more mature relationship can be negotiated happily. What better way to make this breakthrough than let your young lady request that you shave? Much better than having to argue or being told you are fat, too flirtatious etc.

The best short term slimming pill in the world

With a properly contoured box beard (or goatee), your face is effectively elongated. And this provides a slimming effect, which you can profit from whilst you get down to actually losing some weight.


For the perennial wimp or wimp looking person, there is no faster way to add a veneer of hardness or mystique than to, yes you have guessed it, grow some facial hair. I can't explain why facial hair has that effect. Perhaps it is the instant message it gives: " if he can't be bothered to shave and is such a deviant may be he is capable of other more dangerous things".

I do hope that our friends at Mooli's recognise these advantages and regularly give away a free mooli to the important constituency of facial hair growers.


Anonymous said...

The 'soft disagreement' born of your lady-friend's request that you shave is an inherently unstable thing: give in to the request and you no longer have a beard, and therefore you no longer have anything to disagree about, and therefore your relationship gradually devolves into ennui; refuse to give in to the request, and the request hardens into a demand, which, if you keep refusing to give in to, puts you in a Lysistrata-type situation; whereupon you turn for solace to alcohol and hard drugs and internet porn, and eventually end up dead in some cold gutter with green ooze all over your underpants.

It isn't worth it. Just shave.

TaB said...

Perhaps I can then grow side-burns to transform the ennui into something else.